Tiny house with one postage stamp-sized bathroom.
Pantry not
included. Dining room not included. House has a door to the back yard inside
the closet in the master bedroom, which is convenient if you want to take guests
through your entire house, including your bedroom and closet, so they can get
to the back yard.
So, if you have guests, don’t plan on hiding any of your
mess in your bedroom or your closet, either. Basically, you should just plan to
either keep things mess-free or plan on being embarrassed repeatedly.
Home lacks pool and hot tub. No sauna.
Would gladly leave lots of junk (read: “treasure”) inside
for new owner to possess as his/her own upon closing.
House contains lots of happy memories. Someone else owns the cows that come up to the fence in the back yard, which means they're maintenance-free pets.
All child and pet
vomit has been previously removed by owner…multiple times.
Purchase price is negotiable, but should be enough to cover
the home described in the wanted ad below.
Trash pick-up is on Wednesdays. Those guys will wave at you if you look out the window each week at 8am.
Bigger house.
Home should have a pantry the size of a grocery store. Or,
really, just a normal size. Whatever.
Should also have miles of granite counter tops in the kitchen, and must have a dining
room. And what you’re thinking is wrong. You’re about to say, “But we never eat
in our dining room, anyway. You don’t want one of those. Nobody eats in their
dining room.” Oh, yes. Yes, I do want one. If it means more space, I want it. I
am tired of having to move junk off the tiny table that doubles as our
counter/cooking preparation area and onto the washer every time I want to sit
down and have a cup of coffee.
Non-negotiable requirement: another bathroom, and even better yet—an
additional 2 or 3. This way, every single time I have to pee, there might not
automatically be somebody banging on the door and whining, “But I had to
peeeeeeeeee, Mommy! Why do you always go when I have to gooooooooo?” All
bathrooms must have working locks on the doors.
While I’m at it, I’d also like a kid-free room I can call my
study, with books on built-in bookshelves all the way to the ceiling, a leather
chair, and a fireplace. There should be a location for stashing Cheez-its, chocolate, and wine.
Also desired: double sinks; a whirlpool tub; crown molding in every room. Loads of bedrooms for kids and guests.
Could I also have a gardener for all lawn maintenance?
Would like an outdoor fireplace and pool house. Oh, and a pool and a hot tub would be great. Breakfast
nook should overlook the pool, fountains, and gardens.
I would love to set up the house with bells, so the servants
downstairs could come up when I want them, then disappear back downstairs when
they’re dismissed. Oh, and have I mentioned that I will be needing servants?
They can live in the crawl space for free.
Or, better yet, I’d like to introduce self-cleaning elements
to my home. I mean, this is 2013. I want my home to have up-to-date
self-cleaning technology.
I want a playroom in its own wing of the house. That room will
be soundproofed and should be completely self-cleaning.
I’d also like self-cleaning floors, and the appliances could
just keep us fed and clean.
So, basically, I want to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast before the servants turned into real people. How much does an enchanted castle run these days?
photo credit: Images_of_Money via photopin cc
photo credit: spablab via photopin cc
