Sunday, May 19, 2013

Dear Keurig: A Love Letter

Keurig® K65 Special Edition Brewing System
I'd have included a picture of my own Keurig, but there were coffee stains next to it. But look how sexy this one is.

Dear Keurig, 

What’s up (or down)? It’s been a few hours since we last talked, and I just felt a need to put this down publicly—you know, in cyberspace. That’s how strongly I feel my feelings. They’re cyberspace-worthy. And they’re true, and you can know this, Keurig, because you’re reading them on the internet.

Keurig, I just wanted you to know how much it means to me that you’re the only appliance in my kitchen that exists only for me. In fact, you might be the only possession of mine that nobody else wants to touch. I mean, my kids never, ever say, “Mommy, can I have another cuppa Joe? In the princess cup! I want the princess cup!!!!!!” In fact, my husband doesn’t even drink coffee, and so he never even thinks of one of your other many uses. You are mine—ALL MINE—and for a person who rarely gets to pull her own toilet paper off the roll without help, that’s saying something.

You are flexible; you help me make whatever it is that my heart desires every single morning. I can use you for coffee, hot chocolate, hot tea, even iced drinks. I can use you for instant oatmeal!! And I don’t even have to use you the expensive way, and you work for me anyway. I can just make hot water and throw in a tea bag and—voila!—chai tea. I can use an Ekobrew cup and fill it with hazelnut coffee or Maxwell House.  That cup is very sexy, Keurig. I love a coffee maker that wears a cup. (This will also help you if you ever play machine pitch baseball and have to play catcher, as I have learned this year.) 

You stand at attention patiently all day, just waiting at my beck and call. In fact, and I’ve never really told you this before—but Keurig, you have excellent posture. I have never seen you slouch, even once. I love the quiet whirr of you motor. It sounds like you're singing "Coooooooo-feeeeeeee" right after you brew. And I love to hear you sing only to me--because everybody else is usually in bed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet—but it’s sweeter in something caffeinated.

Yours till your pump stops working,
Jessica (Sloppy Copy Mommy)

Dear reader: Obviously Keurig did not pay me to write this, as I currently have about 26 steady readers on a good day. I just felt the need to profess my undying love. What can I say? I love my Keurig. Maybe they'll see this and send me another Keurig. I could keep one next to my bed.

Ekobrew Cups. I don't even use the filters. I also don't have granite counter tops like this one. Bummer.